Goodbye, Little Friend

On Saturday, January 22nd we found out that our little blueberry had no heartbeat.  On Monday, January 24th, I had a natural miscarriage at home.

Finding the strength to write in this blog has been tough, that's why I haven't updated it until now.  Finding the strength to even look at it has been really hard, even now I can't go back and read my posts.  Saturday was the saddest and hardest day of our lives, a day we will never forget.  Finding the words to write today is impossible, I don't even know what to say.

So, I will tell our story.  The reason I want to continue this blog, in light of what has happened, is in hopes that sometime I hope it will help someone, I hope that somewhere out there is a person that may need to read what has happened to us, so that they can relate and move on, just like we have to.  In the hospital on Saturday my first thought was to take the blog down, start over or at least rename it and delete the old posts.  But, after realizing how much other blogs have helped me, I have decided to leave it up and just continue with it as part of our journey.  Some people have journeys like this, some have happier ones, I just hope this helps someone someday.

I am working on writing this all down and started today but can't seem to finish.  Ian asked me if I felt better getting it all out but I actually felt worse, like I was reliving what had happened.  The story will come, I just have to find the words to write it.

Please do not leave comments on our Facebook or Twitter pages if you are reading this, but feel free to leave comments here and hopefully I will be able to read them one day.  I will post the news on Facebook when I am done writing it all down.  For now, this is exactly how I'm feeling, I can't talk about it and don't need a hug, I will just tell you "I'm fine."  I am trying to be strong, trying to be myself again but it is hard.  I feel like I'm sleep walking through life, like I am a robot, pretending to be myself, pretending it's all ok when it's not.  It's exhausting, this pretending, so for now this poem explains my feelings.  So stay tuned, there's more to come when I am ready to write it.

My Mom, she tells a lot of lies she never did before
From now until she dies, she'll tell a whole lot more.

Ask my mom how she is and because she can't explain,
She will tell a little lie because she can't describe the pain.

Ask my Mom how she is, She'll say "I'm alright."                                                  

If that's the truth, than tell me why does she cry each night?

Ask my Mom how she is, she seems to cope so well.
She didn't have a choice you see, nor the strength to yell.

Ask my Mom how she is,"I'm fine, I'm well, I'm coping."
For God's sake Mom, just tell the truth just say your heart is broken.

She'll love me all her life, I loved her all of mine.
But if you ask her how is she she'll lie and say she's fine.

I am here in Heaven.
I cannot hug from here.

If she lies to you don't listen, hug her and hold her near.
On the day we meet again, we'll smile and I'll be bold.

I'll say, "You're lucky to get in here mom, with all the lies you told!"

- Author Unknown