A Little Blueberry: Ketchup

So, I wanted to write a blog post about all the things we've done in between all the sad things we've gone through. I wanted to call it "catch up" but then it made me think of ketchup so that's what I stuck with. :)

I hope you don't mind that this pregnancy blog has now become just a life blog until we find it in us to try again. It also might be a bit depressing at times, because we are a little depressed, but it might be fun to read at other times too. Just hang with us, it's all part of our journey.

January 28th:

We came back to school after taking 4 days off. It was tough because the kids always ask you where you've been, and I'm pretty open about my life so I usually tell them. This time I had to tell them I was sick and when they asked if I was feeling better I said, "Not really." It was hard not to share this with them but at the same time, they didn't know I was pregnant and are too young to understand so I didn't really want to open up. I can't imagine teachers who have shared and then this happened, it must be devastating telling 175 kids that you are no longer pregnant. Ugh, I can't imagine.

Teachers stayed away from me at school, my friend Shannon did a good job of scaring them I think. She told them that when I returned I wouldn't want to talk about it since it is such a private thing, and everyone did a good job of leaving me alone. Some teachers shared their experiences, briefly, but I'm sure they could tell by the look on my face that I did not want to talk. Some of my department got together to get us a plant and a gift card (even though I asked Shannon to tell them not to), but it was nice and thoughtful:

(Why yes, that IS an African-American lady with purple butterfly wings on the card.)

Still, when I try to talk about it with people I get teary eyed. I guess it has only been two weeks. People I didn't even tell I was pregnant have come up to say they were sorry (so not classy) and others have tried to talk to me. I am better about opening up but still get really sad if I spend too much time on it.

I also found out today that my best friend, basically my brother, Matt is coming from Oregon to cheer me up. He is bringing is mom, my mom's best friend, who hasn't been out here since I think he was like 12 (and he's 32 now). The last time Matt came to AZ was almost 2 years ago for our wedding, he was one of two groomsman (the other was my brother- in-law) but before that he hadn't been here in 20 years or so. My mom and I are SO excited and words cannot describe how grateful I am that he is coming. It's like he knew just how much we needed him right now and without us even saying anything, he planned a trip. He is amazing and it has been fun having something to look forward to. I hope he can bring me back to life.

January 29th:

Ian and I participated in some retail therapy at Target and spent $325! (Later, I took $120 of it back, don't worry.) We also met my mom-in-law Patty and sis-in-law Kelly for dinner at Sweet Tomatoes. It was nice seeing them and talking about what had happened. They knew already but it's nice to talk about how we are feeling, it helps sometimes, especially with family. We weren't ready to see my whole big family, or Ian's, but these two ladies were perfect and totally understand what we were feeling.

Little did we know that while we were out this weekend someone was stealing Ian's debit card number and using it to buy gas, groceries and goods at Wal-Mart - $515 worth! More on this later . . .

February 1st:

As I laid in bed that night, I was trying to think why that day was so hard for me and then I remembered - it was the day I was supposed to go in for my 12 week appointment to see blueberry again. I didn't realize it but February 1st I just woke up sad and went to bed sad that night. I also had to tell one of my yoga teachers, Meg, that I could do all the yoga poses because "we lost our baby" and that was awful, I cried and she held my hand. It was the first time I did yoga since everything happened (I took the previous week off from all excersise) and she said she was glad that I came but was so sad for me. Christie was with me and after I told Meg we went to the bathroom and I was still so sad. It never gets better, telling people.

Yoga was fine, actually made me feel like my old self again. It's strange, and I know I've said this before, but you are pregnant, then you're not and then you kind of feel like yourself before you were pregnant but not at all really. You think you should, you look like your old self, but you feel completely different inside. But, doing things that you love, and that you are able to do again, make you feel better.

I've told a couple of people that from October until now I really haven't had a break from medical stuff. I went to the hospital on October 11th because I went into anaphylactic shock after an allergy shot and from them until December I couldn't really catch my breath like I used to. Then, in December I found out I was pregnant and couldn't catch my breath again, and couldn't do everything I used to do either. Recently, I had a root canal (super traumatic in my head, not so in real life) and just recently (in the past week) have I felt good, like before my allergy attack.

It will be nice to have a break to do the things I love in full force, before trying this again.

February 3rd:

We discovered this morning that someone had Ian's debit card number and was making multiple purchases (at the same stores in Mesa) with it. It turned out to be a lot of money (I was wondering where all of our money went!) and so we had to go and file a fraud report at the bank. I cut up my debit card, thinking it was mine, then they told me it was Ian's - so we both have new cards.

It just sucks because whenever something else has happened, during all of this, it really gets you down. Like while we were off of school I broke a dish and started crying, not really because of the dish. This debit card thing just sucks because whoever did this has no idea what we have just been through (and went to get gas using our card on the day I had a miscarriage and neither of us left the house), and probably wouldn't care. I think people just need to have more respect for others, they took our number at our lowest point, and I know they didn't know it, but this was just one more thing for us to deal with - when we were spent from dealing with something else. Be kind to one another whenever possible, you have no idea what could be going on in their lives.

February 4th:

Went to lunch with my Dad today at Cheesecake Factory (thanks Aunt Donna and Sonja!). Saw my Dad after he was gone all winter (and over Christmas) so it was fun, I needed him home and was so glad he was finally here. We had a nice lunch (I had a delicious grilled eggplant sand sandwich) and then he volunteered to go with me to my root canal appointment. He rode his bike so he had to ride to the endodontist while I drove, but sat with me in the waiting room until I had to go back. It made me feel so much better having someone there, and I think he knew it would so that's why he went. Sometimes daughters don't have to tell their dad's anything, they just know.

At the endodontist, my dental assistant (is that what they are called?) was a cute 27 year old trying to have a baby. I had to tell them I was in the hospital twice in the last year (it asked on the form) and then had to tell them why I waited until now to get my root canal (because I was pregnant). When I told the assistant she shared with me that she also suffered a miscarriage when she was 20 and then just recently lost her baby again due to an ectopic pregnancy. We talked, and hugged, and it put me at ease, like I had a friend in the room who understood me and was there when I was feeling nervous. I gave her this blog address and told her to leave me a comment so we could keep track of eachother's progress, but haven't heard from her yet . . .

The endodontist came in and was young and funny. He did a consultation with me first, my dad got to come back with us, where he held icy feeling q-tips to my teeth to test if I needed a root canal. The teeth he tested first felt the cold but the dead tooth didn't, so I needed one. I told you before how nervous I was about this, and wanted to pee my pants just sitting there (or vomit), so I was bummed I actually needed one. But, I put on my grown up pants and decided better to do this now than later so I was ready. I laid back, they put a weird latex thing in my mouth (hooked on your tooth to catch debris), put my headphones on and just rocked out. I didn't feel anything (except for the needle on the roof of my mouth before they started!) and 2 hours flew by. They had to tap me a couple of times to see if I was ok because I was just listening to my iPod jamming out. Before I was done I managed to snap a quick shot (they make you wear sunglasses!):

They took lots of x-rays, put on a temporary filling (gotta get a crown in a week to a month) and sent me home. I took some advil all night but didn't need vicodin and the next day I just had a killer headache but no toothache. You can't eat on it for 14 days but it feels good, not really sore at all, easier than I thought it would be. My root canal, with dental insurance, cost $492 and the crown is apparently another $100. We just can't catch a break with medical bills! (And we haven't even gotten our hospital bill from 2 weeks ago after insurance, before insurance it was $2400!)

February 7th:

Went to the doctor to get my cuants (quants?) checked (these are your hormone levels). I guess they want to check them every week but scheduled me two weeks out, for some reason, so they had to just deal with it. My levels were at a 9, two weeks after my miscarriage, and they want them to be at a 5 or less so I have to go back next Monday.

I had a horrible experience at the OB during my appointment. The nurse that took me back stopped to talk to a couple who was expecting their second, and bent down to address the 2 year old about being a big sister. Now, I have nothing against babies or happy couples or anything, but she was holding my chart and you'd think she'd be a bit more sensitive about doing this when bringing someone back who has had a miscarriage.

When I got back to the ultrasound room (wasn't aware I was getting an ultrasound too, had one two weeks ago and there was nothing there) a nurse practitioner (not mine) came in with my chart. She asked me what was going on and I told her I was here for my follow up because I had a miscarriage (shouldn't she know this?) and then she asked if I had heavy bleeding. I told her yes and that I went to the hospital two weeks ago and then she said, "Did you know you were pregnant at the time?" Come on - do these people even look at your stuff?! I told her that I was in here at 8 weeks, saw the heartbeat and all and then this happened. I started crying because I wasn't aware I'd have to relive this all over again, especially to them (2 weeks AFTER I had to tell them all about it) and she felt bad. She left and then came back and told me that Dr. Simon (my main OB) had to leave soon and wanted me to come back Thursday for my ultrasound. I cried again and told her that I came a long way (it's almost an hour from school to there) and have missed a lot of work and am not coming back.

She finally got Dr. Simon to come in and she was in a rush. She told me how "sorry she was" and how "these things just happen" and it was really stupid because I heard the same thing 2 weeks ago when I was there. Did she even know I had been in before? She did an ultrasound and told me "nothing is in there" and I was thinking, "no kidding, nothing was in there last time you looked either," and then she rushed out scolding me for not coming in the week before to check my blood. I told her people had called me, had talked to each other (I put this in an earlier post) and then told me I was fine with my appointment on the 7th. But, both her and the nurse practitioner told me I should have come in the week before.

They took my blood and sent me home, after clearing me for sex with a condom (with my husband, who I just made a baby with, so weird but I get it). I was so upset when I left and I called everyone I knew to complain about it, but no one answered. I am thinking now that maybe I should switch my OB to start fresh somewhere else, some place where maybe they are a bit more compassionate towards people in my situation. My mom found all kinds of reviews about my OB online that said they are only attentive to their pregnant patients and this has been my experience too. So, maybe I do need to go to someone else . . .

The next day my nurse practitioner, who I love, called to check on me and I got all of my questions answered. I asked about progesterone and why they put you on it, and what if you don't need it and she said there is never "too much" and it is a preventative measure. She also mentioned baby aspirin to get your blood flow moving sometimes works and they could try that too. I asked her about these miscarriage diet books I've been looking at, or books about getting your body ready again after a miscarriage and she told me not to spend the money or worry about it much because these things just happen. I also asked if you need to take a multivitamin along with your prenatal vitamin and she said no, it's the same thing just more of some things for the baby. She did recommend more calcium though, and said this is true for all women, we need more than we eat/drink and more than what is in our vitamins. I didn't get a chance to ask her about my fast heartbeat and if that had something to do with this, but will ask next Monday when I see her again. Our chat made me feel better, but I still may want a second opinion or a fresh start. We will see.

So, it has been 2 weeks and I am definitely feeling better physically but still feeling crappy mentally. Our OB told us that it's probably best to wait 2 months before trying again both for physical reasons and mental ones. I was going to anyway because if I got pregnant in March I'd have a December baby and December birthdays are tough (sometimes you don't get presents because yours are combined with Christmas!)

February 10th:

And that brings us to today. I am so excited for Matt to come tomorrow I can't even tell you. We had our tax appointment tonight and are getting back $2000 (like we always do), so we will add it to our house/baby/summer savings account. We plan on removing our spray in insulation (and replacing it with the roll out kind), painting our house, getting shutters and maybe replacing windows and getting new rocks for our front yard before summer comes. It's a lot of work but now we have the time (and I can help!) so we might as well to keep busy.

(Our new roof is medium gray with blue speckles so we thought the house could be gray with blue trim. Just not sure which gray or which blue! Thoughts?)

I am also considering getting a blueberry tattoo. I want it on my wrist but don't know if I want everyone asking me what it's for all the time, so I'm not really sure where to get it. But, I want one for sure, something like this (but just with one and some leaves):

Also, if you know Ian, you know that he has a connection to the spiritual world (it must be the Indian in him). After Lucy died, we heard our doggy door go in and out when no dog was walking through it (it still happens). Ian just attracts these little spirits to him, so we were sure blueberry was still around even when she was gone. The other night I was sitting on the couch when I heard a clunk like dishes banging together. I didn't think anything of it and didn't get up. Ian came in the kitchen and said, "Huh, that's weird." The headdress of his kachina he made landed in a dirty pie dish full of water from the sink. You can't really tell in the picture but this is a LONG way for this to fall and a strange place for it to end up. The weirdest part is that the headdress has never fallen off before (and this kachina is a year old), AND it is a kachina that Ian made for a daughter one day. Blueberry?

Before I sign off, I wanted to include some yummy dinners we have made over the past couple of weeks and some cute muffy (dog) pictures for your enjoyment. Consider yourself caught up!

(Pasta with vodka sauce and veggies, I swear this is a real pic and not a professional one! So good, Ian found it in a magazine at the OB office!)

(Have you ever made your own chips? We started doing this, first with potatoes and then with tortillas, and it is delicious! We fry them in olive oil and then use sea salt and garlic powder to season. Great with chipotle black bean burgers or hummus.)

(Our new favorite dinner is black bean burritos with taco seasoning, peppers, onions, salsa, cheese and sour cream. The tortillas are from Fresh & Easy, they are amazing!)