My Blogiversary

Exactly one year ago today I wrote this post, thinking that I would start a blog about my journey into motherhood.  Little did I know that a year later I would be here, sans baby, but still chugging along.  Isn't life the funniest? 

As I start this post I get a teary eyed.  Not because I am sad, but because this year has been one of the toughest years for both of us and we are STILL HERE.  We survived, and it amazes me every single day.  LIFE amazes me, and all the crap it throws at you, just to leave you still standing in the end - different, changed, and much wiser.  I am so full of words and emotion on this, my blogiversary, but somehow cannot find the ones to express my feelings to you.

Every day I think of our baby that once was.  Every day I think of all the women who set out on a certain path just to have it taken from them or have it never happen for them.  Every day I am shocked that people think they have a plan for their lives, because the biggest lesson I've learned over this past year is - there is no plan.  And maybe, there is no one in control of any of this.  (Yes, I went there.)  I have lost faith a bit, have come to trust in myself and the strength I have, and not so much in someone else that doesn't seem to be around when we need him (her?) most.  I trust my family, my friends and all of those gone before us, I pray to them each day for courage.  But this person watching over us?  It's hard to believe in. 

I don't even know if I believe in fate much anymore.  Like we follow this path and this is what was supposed to happen in our lives.  That doesn't really explain why bad things happen to good people or why the choices we make sometimes lead to heartache.  I do, however, believe in chance, in karma and in doing the best you can at all times and HOPING that it brings some good to your life and the lives of the ones you love.  I don't believe everything happens for a reason (although I do think sometimes good comes from bad), and I don't think someone gives us only what we can handle (because we all know we CAN'T handle some things that at are thrown at us sometimes).

I haven't always been the best friend, girlfriend, wife or daughter.  I have made mistakes I am not proud of, as I'm sure we all have.  I don't necessarily think I've been punished for them, but I do think I was knocked down a bit from my high horse I was riding on for awhile there.  I still feel lucky, happy, content - but it is a different kind of feeling.  Much different than before.  A wiser version, I guess, a more grown up one. 

This was supposed to be a happy post, where is it going?  I don't mean to be negative or cynical, my point is that I am a completely different person than I was a year ago today.  This was the hardest year of my life but it has taught me so much about myself and others.  I am happier now than I have ever been before - how crazy is that?  Coming out of such darkness?  (I never thought I would be typing those words but there they are.)  And is is a different kind of happy, an indescribable one.  I have learned so much, done so much, fought so hard, cried, laughed and not wanted to get out of bed in the morning - but I did it, I DID IT.  And, I'm here - stronger than ever.  It's really so weird.

Who was that girl a year ago?  She thought she had it all worked out, all planned out, all of the puzzle pieces in order and all of her ducks in a row.  She graduated high school at 17, finished college at 21, got her Master's at 24, bought a house, planned a life, had a good job for 10 years, etc.  She thought she knew how her life would go and then it surprised her and didn't go as planned.  Nothing seemed to go as planned, all of a sudden, and her world fell apart.  But, SHE didn't fall apart - she rose up, stepped up and became better.  She learned and adapted and let go - things she never thought she'd have to do or be able to do.  Who is this girl now?  This girl is me.

I look at this blog, I see the picture at the top, I remember taking it, I remember asking Christine to upload it for me and getting my blog ready to announce my pregnancy - but it seems like lifetimes ago.  Only just recently have I gotten up the courage to go back and read some of my first posts, and I still can't even bring myself to read all of them. 

To my readers:  You have stuck by me all this time, thinking this was going to be a journey about pregnancy and motherhood, but instead have had to read about despair, sorrow and my sometimes mundane every day life.  (Who knew this would be a blog about that?)  Thank you for hanging with me, for allowing me to write this and for reading all of it.  This was the first blog I had ever written, the first public anything I put out into the world wide web (I am a teacher after all) and it was scary.  It was scary the whole time I was writing it, thinking would anyone read this?  Would anyone care about what I had to say?  Was I a good enough writer for people to want to read my posts?

I have been on a journey with you that I never expected, and have shared more with you than I ever anticipated sharing.  You have been with me through joyful days and dark ones, days I felt like giving up and days I learned to let go.  You have been there while I rebuilt myself, while I struggled to get my identity back.  I have opened up so much with you, I hope that you have enjoyed it.  My biggest hope, however, is that my words have helped some of you; that they have helped you cope, deal or learn something about yourself, just like I have by writing them down.  You have healed me, brought me back to life and made me the person that I am today; and for that, as I sit here with tears in my eyes, I THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart.

Happy blogiversary friends.  Good things are in my future and I hope that you continue to ride along on this strange trip with me, and that we experience all that life has to offer - together.  Leaning on each other through good times and bad, sharing our experiences.  Learning, living, loving and always getting back up, when we are knocked down.  Thank you for reading, it means more to me than you will ever know.