Sorry I am late in posting this, it has been a heck of a week!
This week it's Ian's song again and on Monday, this is the one he played while I was getting ready. But, he had a special reason for playing it, we got a new friend at our house! Last week, Ian got a green-cheeked conure donated to his classroom, from a lady that couldn't take care of it anymore, and it has lived at our house since then. Albert Einstein, the conure, came with a really fancy cage that we ended up liking, so Ian is working on finding him a smaller cage so that during the day he can bring Einstein to school with us. (He was going to be a full-time at school bird, but we realized he would get too lonely after 3:30 every day and we'd have to bring him home.)
Let me tell you, I do NOT like birds. We have two birds already, Charles Darwin and Marie Curie, that I did not choose to get either. Charles was on the ground at our school and the kids were being mean to him so Ian picked him up and brought him home (he must have escaped from someone's house because Arizona doesn't have a wild parakeet population). Then, Ian got Marie to tame Charles a bit but that didn't work and now we have two grumpy, but pretty, parakeets living at our house.
Ian wanted a green-cheeked conure after he realized the parakeets didn't love him as much as he wanted them too and kind of kept to themselves. He researched it and looked and looked and finally found Einstein on Craigslist (so many birds people are giving away - people, keep your pets, they are your responsibility!). So, now we have three birds that I'm not particularly fond of, but Einstein is growing on me.
He nods his head yes when we say, "Did we just become best friends? Yep!" and he asks me, "Whatcha doin'?" when I blow on his feathers. He likes taking baths in his drinking water, screaming at the top of his lungs and sliding down his cage to torment the dogs until they almost bite his beak. Ian takes him out every night and lets him sit and watch TV with us, on a perch, and last night I even took him out and let him sit with me while Ian wasn't home. Like I said, he's growing on me.
So, this is the song Ian played on Monday when we had to leave Einstein and go to work. He was trying to get him to dance but since Monday, Einstein has decided he likes Beyonce's "All the Single Ladies" the best but I didn't think you'd want me to post that song here. Oh and by the way, Einstein DOES dance! (Video for song and lyrics are after the pics at the bottom of this post.)
Update: I wrote this post yesterday but didn't post it until today so that I would have time to add pictures. This morning, Einstein bit me, and so now I feel like taking back all the nice things I said about him above. But, I know he's still learning and it was partly my fault. I still cried (pregnant remember?) but I'm sure we will be friends again one day.
(The dogs are still learning the rules at our house, regarding the bird, "We don't eat our friends.")
David Bowie "Magic Dance"
You remind me of the babe
What babe? babe with the power
What power? power of voodoo
Who do? you do
Do what? remind me of the babe
I saw my baby, crying hard as babe could cry
What could I do
My baby's love had gone
And left my baby blue
Nobody knew
What kind of magic spell to use
Slime and snails
Or puppy dogs' tails
Thunder or lightning
Then baby said
Dance magic, dance
Dance magic, dance
Put that baby spell on me
Jump magic, jump
Jump magic, jump
Put that magic jump on me
Slap that baby, make him free
I saw my baby, trying hard as babe could try
What could I do
My baby's fun had gone
And left my baby blue
Nobody knew
What kind of magic spell to use
Slime and snails
Or puppy dog's tails
Thunder or lightning
Then baby said
Dance magic, dance
Dance magic, dance
Put that baby spell on me
Jump magic, jump
Jump magic, jump
Put that magic jump on me
Slap that baby, make him free
Dance magic, dance
Jump magic, jump
Put that baby spell on me (ooh)
You remind me of the babe
What babe? the babe with the power
What power? power of voodoo
Who do? you do
Do what? remind me of the babe
What kind of magic spell to use
Slime and snails
Or puppy dog tails
Thunder or lightning
Something frightening
Dance magic, dance
Dance magic, dance
Put that baby spell on me
Jump magic, jump
Jump magic, jump
Put that magic jump on me
Slap that baby make him free
Dance magic, dance
Jump magic, jump
Jump magic, jump
Put that magic jump on me
Slap that baby
Dance magic, dance
Dance magic, dance
Dance magic
Slap that slap that baby make him free
Dance magic, dance
I didn't remember that today was January 22nd until Ian asked me about it an hour ago. I thought about it all week and told myself to remember, but I forgot. Isn't that weird?
A year ago today we were doing this. Now, I am sitting here typing, 4 months pregnant, while Ian hangs blinds in our kitchen (we have a whole list of home projects to do before the lemon comes, of course). Who knew this is where we'd be a year from now? Life is strange.
I don't want to acknowledge today too much because instead of remembering the day we lost our blueberry, I'd like to remember his/her birthday every year as a celebration of his/her life instead. The only thing I will say about today is - from this moment forward there are no more repeats.
There will be no more moments of "I was pregnant last year when we got our tree," or "I was pregnant last year when we went for nails on Christmas Eve" or "I told my family and friends I was pregnant today and am pregnant again." No more repeats. Today marks a fresh start, a real one, where every day is something new, a day I am pregnant for the very first time with a 4 month old baby. Isn't that a lovely thought?
This has been my journey of "no comparisons" but it has been hard not to compare (at least in my head of not on here). But today, there really can be no more comparisons. It's like I finally have to live it all anew, and I love it.
One day at a time. One baby at a time. One thought at a time. One memory at a time. Staying positive, getting excited, looking towards the future - that's us. So today will not be a sad day for us, instead it will be a day to move on, the last day that we will live in a shadow, and now can immerse ourselves fully in the light. A day to stop worrying. No more repeats.
The comments that I've received from those who have also experienced a loss have brought me to tears. Sometimes I don't know what to say, but I have to speak from the heart. Everything I say sounds like all of the things I would have hated someone to say to me, but they are what I truly believe - things WILL get better. You WILL have another baby and everything will be ok next time. It's hard to believe, but it will happen for you. Reading your posts about how my experience has helped you has affected me in a way you'll never know, I can't even read the words I wrote a year ago today - still. Thank you for reading, thank you for sharing and thank you for writing. I wrote to help others, and I am happy it has helped you find your voice or to bring you peace. I am thinking of you and wishing you all the best.
There is hope. We are living proof. Hang in there, be strong, stay positive and know that you are not alone. We are all in this together, take one day at a time. Breathe in, breathe out. You can do this too, you will be here one day. Have faith in yourself and those you love. I am here for you.
I always think of a million things to write about all week long and then when I'm finally ready to write I ask myself, "What was that I was going to say? What have I even been doing this week?" And then I start writing and it just all comes out, scattered, but here it is.
4 months, 16 weeks - can you believe it?! We can't sometimes and that's why on more than one occasion at the beginning of the week I listened to the lemon's heartbeat on our doppler just to make sure he/she was still in there, growing away. The 2nd trimester is amazing, as they all say, but you really don't feel pregnant, aside from the belly. Your lady parts are less sore, your energy has returned and you feel just like your old self. Thank goodness for that doppler or I would be freaking out!
On Monday Ian made me walk almost 2 miles to Big Lots by our house to get BBQ sauce for our organic, grass-fed steaks we were making that night. I was fine most of the way and then on our way home I started getting kind of dizzy and tired but made it. (I guess that's when you remember that you're pregnant!) I cancelled yoga Tuesday, met my dad for dinner, said goodbye to my mom (she's in Hawaii, lucky duck), walked the zoo with friends and spent a relaxing weekend here at home cleaning and getting ready for this next week. Oh and we went to a dog show by our house, Paws for a Cause, and I had never seen anything like it in real life (not on TV I mean).
(Walking the zoo with delicious kettle corn!)
Ian and I were driving home from school on Friday, trying to make it so that we could walk the zoo before it closed, and saw a sign that said Dog Sporting Event Public Welcome. How could we not check it out? We drove by and the dogs were out training, and it looked fun, so we decided to go back on Saturday to see the events. Christie and I walked there, Jeremy and Espen met us and later Ian and Tozzi met us too. We saw dogs jumping into a pool, dogs chasing a remote-controlled squirrel, dogs doing an obstacle course, and dogs relay racing - it was SO COOL. I brought Zoe and she had a blast, but the old lady was tired by the time we got home. I was tired too and napped on the couch!
I even found a food truck there called Pizza People that had gluten free 10 inch pizzas that were DELICIOUS (me waiting in line, above). So delicious in fact that I ate half pizza there and then we got one to go and ate another half when I got home. Weird that just on Wednesday I was googling "2nd trimester not hungry" and now I was eating a whole pizza for lunch by myself! Funny how things change so fast when you're growing a baby!
I haven't done a post on food lately but did make some yummy things this week so I thought I'd include them.
(Applegate wheat free corn dogs from Whole Foods, awesome. Try the Applegate organic bacon too, we made BLTs with it and they were to die for!)
(Got some organic sausages from Whole Foods too and cut them up in rice pasta, broccoli and onions.)
(Here are our steaks - turned out SO GOOD with mushrooms and squash from the grill!)
(Organic pork chops with veggies from the grill, I season them with only garlic powder, salt, pepper and apparently nutmeg - see below!)
(Made salads on Friday with the leftover pork chops, so good but we could barely finish them, they were huge! Sorry about the hair but this is me at home!)
Pregnancy related news? Let's see, I wake up to pee twice a night and Ian got me a night light so now I don't even have to turn on the light or shut the door (awesome because it's a pocket door that makes noise when it shuts). Sometimes I wake up starving in the middle of the night and have to eat fruit snacks in order to go back to sleep so now I keep them by the bed just in case. Ian thinks it's the most hilarious thing when he wakes up to me crinkling the fruit snack wrapper. (He also thinks it's hilarious when I use nutmeg to season our pork chops instead of pepper, so hilarious he posted a pic on his Facebook!)
I was sitting at my desk earlier this week, at school, and felt a poke, from the inside, and it clearly wasn't gas but I'm not sure if it was baby because I have no idea what that is supposed to feel like. No flutters or anything but some popcorn popping or tapping for sure has happened, just don't know if it's food or not. I know it is early but I hope to feel more movement this week, maybe that will stop me from having to check on baby with the doppler all the time! I did, however, on Friday wait until really late at night to listen, I was just so calm and relaxed all day (and feel all of your happy thoughts) that I didn't feel the need to listen, I just knew he/she was ok.
Speaking of feeling the love, I hope that you all read my post thanking you for your good vibes, I truly do feel them every day. We both do and are so happy we have all of your love and support. Speaking of, doesn't today carry a special date? (More on this in my next post.)
I don't know what it is about driving to school by myself but I always end up in tears, listening to music full blast in the car. This morning was no exception and this was the song I listened to.
We went public (why do I keep wanting to say "live?") last night with our pregnancy news and this morning, I truly felt the love. All the love. I was overwhelmed, I started crying and had no idea why, but I was just so so happy. All of the thoughts, prayers and just overall good vibes came to me like a gush of wind, hit me and took my breath away today.
The outpouring of well wishes and congrats here, on our Facebook pages and with phone calls is amazing. So many tears of joy for us, knowing all that we've been through, so much shared happiness. I am grateful to have you all in my life, whether I see you every day or not. Isn't Facebook a strange thing? We are "friends," I know much about you, but we don't speak or see each other and some of you I haven't talked to in years. But when we lost our blueberry, many of you wrote me about similar situations and I felt like I got to know you, maybe even to know a part of you that many others did not know. I felt connected to you.
Recently, I shared this blog on The Bump with women who have gone through the loss of a baby. That is the reason I wrote about all of this, after all, to help others. I received two comments on my posts (about our loss) that touched my heart, and one woman even linked my post on her blog, and also sent it to her family, because she felt that my words were her words that she just couldn't say. How amazing is that? Aren't we all connected in one way or another?
So, this post goes out to all of you, my friends, no matter if I see you, talk to you daily or not. Thank you for your love, support and happy thoughts - I felt them today and cried tears of joy, tears of happiness.
I don't want to forget my husband in this post. He is my best friend and we have been through the roughest year of both of our lives together. He works so hard to make me happy, always checks on me when I'm away from him and shows me that he loves me 100 times a day. I am so lucky to have such a wonderful man in my life and wouldn't know what to do without him. Laying in bed and laughing with him is one of my favorite things to do, and I'm so happy we have those nights back, and I hope for many more in our future. Ian, this one is also for you. (Lyrics are below if you want to sing along!)
"Neon Lights" Natasha Bedingfield
Everyday there's a thousand things that somehow pass us by Gotta cut through the noise so you can know what love sounds like I'm gonna tune your frequency to 106.ME So there's no distractions
Take a breath, take it in, love has no expiration date My heart will always beat for you at a constant rate It will outlast everything you think you set in stone It goes on and on, and on and on, on and on, and on and on
Buzzing like neon lights, can you feel my love? Loud and clear, pulls you near, can you feel my love?
We got all the memories, so much more we can't see Better than our first kiss, snow falling at Christmas Like sleeping in on Sunday, laughter we never fake Bob Marley in summer, 'One Love' for each other
Oh, it feels like fireflies, day and night Can you feel my love?
Everyone is looking for a special connection But it's like your compass points a million directions Do you need me to buy you a telescope so you can see? How good this could be?
Oh, buzzing like neon lights, can you feel my love? Loud and clear, pulls you near, can you feel my love?
Oh, we got all the memories, so much more we can't see Better than our first kiss, snow falling at Christmas By like sleeping in on Sunday, laughter we never fake Bob Marley in summer, 'One Love' for each other
Oh, it feels like fireflies, day and night Can you feel my love? Can you feel it?
And I'll wait for you as long as it takes Until I get through and it hits you right in the face Can you feel my love? Can you feel my love?
We got all the memories, so much more we can't see Better than our first kiss, snow falling at Christmas By like sleeping in on Sunday, laughter we never fake Bob Marley in summer, 'One Love' for each other
Oh, it feel like 'One Love' for each other Can you feel my love?
Buzzing like fireflies, neon lights, day and night Can you feel my love? Fireflies, day and night Can you feel my love?
Welcome readers! We are excited to announce that we are expecting a little lemon on July 7th! (Lemon = baby if you haven't figured it out yet.) You are reading these posts in January when they were actually written from November until now. This time, we decided to keep the news to ourselves until after the first trimester, a wiser version of us figured it was just best this way.
So, here you are, and we are happy you finally get to read these lemony pregnancy posts! (I decided to go backwards because I know you probably want to read the most recent posts first, so scroll all the way to the bottom if you want to start from the beginning.) Enjoy!
15 Weeks
Hello there all of you! This is my first post where I know everyone is reading, live, and it's so scary but fun! It's also nerve-wracking telling the world, it was much easier just keeping this between Ian and I for the first couple of months, there was just no pressure and it was a lovely little secret just for us. But of course, our hope is that you will all be sending us, and our little lemon, all of your happy thoughts, prayers and good vibes until July. Telling the world is fun when you realize just how many people are wishing your little baby to grow, grow, grow and be healthy! So, please keep us in your thoughts over these next 6 months, it just may keep me sane!
We had another OB appointment today where we got to listen to the heartbeat and ask some questions. I told Ian to practice his surprise face for when she plays the heartbeat on the doppler, since we just heard it this morning at home (read our previous posts below). Even though I hear it every day, it is still music to my ears and her doppler is fancier than ours so it was still fun. Our next appointment is February 8th where we get to find out if the lemmy is a boy or a girl. We are hoping for a girl but really just want a healthy baby, no matter what.
Our OB was proud of me because I only gained 2 pounds from the last time she saw me, a month ago. I told her that I started walking again and doing prenatal yoga - so it all must be helping. I was happy because when I weighed myself yesterday I thought she was going to yell at me, but I don't know what baseline weight she has for me (since they weigh me in the afternoon and with all of my clothes on) so I guess I'm doing ok. Wahoo! I really don't care either way because when I'm hungry I eat because I know baby needs it. It would have been different if this was my first time around and I could have worked out from the beginning and not have been so nervous, but (going along with my "no comparisons" deal) this was how it was supposed to be and I have no control over it - so who cares?! Baby is healthy so I'm happy.
What yoga DVDs have I been doing you may be asking? Well, my blog friend, Ashley, recommended some and I got them and have been switching off between them (wearing my heart rate monitor of course - thanks twinsies!). (I try to keep my heart rate under 140, like they say online, and because I'm just a scaredy cat and don't want to over work myself.) I really like this one and this one, that she did while she was pregnant. I also got this pilates one but I have to work back up to it, I took about 2 months off from working out when I first found out I was pregnant, so my stamina isn't as great as it used to be. She has previews of the DVDs on her blog post here if you want to see a clip before you buy them (my links are to the DVDs on Amazon). I have been trying to alternate between a yoga DVD and walking every day, unless I am really tired and drained, then I just relax. You gotta listen to your body and your baby, that is most important.
So, that's about it. Now you know why I've been such a slacker on my blog posts these last few months, because I've been doing these and my regular ones too! It will be so nice to combine the two now, phew! So, scroll down for more on what me, Ian and the lemon have been doing these past almost 4 months. We hope you enjoy reading about our journey because I know I love writing about it. Keep us in your thoughts and lots of love to all of you readers too! Our lemon is now LIVE and officially on the internet! Wooooo! :)
14 Weeks
1/8/12:
Decided to start taking belly pics today, what do you think? Also, this week our lemon is actually the size of a lemon, isn't that exciting?!
Last week I got mad at all the jeans/pants taking up space in my dresser that I couldn't wear, so I bought some storage tubs and packed them all away to put in the attic. Even though you get so excited for a baby, and ARE so excited, the changes in your body still make you feel weird and dumpy - must be a girl thing. I am not sad about any of it, am not complaining, but you do start to feel less like your fit, healthy self and more like a dumpy old mom. So, I HAD to do something about it!
(This was the first of TWO tubs, as you can see it's overflowing!)
Then, all the bigger jeans that I had kept to wear while I was pregnant, I decided to sell on Craigslist. I didn't fit in these anymore either and the styles were older and I just wasn't into them. So, goodbye 14 pairs of barely worn American Eagle and Gap jeans!
Then, on Friday, my mom took me shopping at Kohl's to get some new pants for school. I don't know what I would do without her, she's a life saver! I got a new haircut/color and had some pants that fit, I love my mom!!! She really does know how to make a girl feel better. :)
Christine and my sister-in-law Kelly also got me a gift card for a fancy maternity shop for when I need even bigger clothes. I'm sure this is not far in my future and can't wait to pick out some more cute stuff! Patty, Ian's mom, also gave me some gift cards instead of Christmas stuff so I'm saving those too. Who knew you'd go through your clothes so fast when pregnant - or is it just me?
The BEST thing to do is to go out and get some regular jeans, your favorite style (for me that's American Eagle) in a bigger size. We did that about a month ago, my mom and I, and I live in them, so comfy and you feel like your normal self. This is important, guys just don't realize!
1/13/12:
So, yesterday I went on The Bump for the first time since losing the blueberry last year. I checked out the 2nd Trimester message board and the July 2012 message board and met some ladies. I visited the Loss message board and replied to a few people, letting them know about my blog and my posts from last year detailing my experience (I will do a regular post about this). After I started reading their posts, I started to get really nervous.
I started thinking all kinds of terrible thoughts and getting scared like I used to feel back at 5 weeks or 7 weeks. Why did I do this to myself? And posting on The Bump made it feel like last year again and THAT made me nervous. I told myself I was fine, the lemon was fine and there was nothing to worry about, but now I can't shake this nervous feeling again. Ugh.
I think I listened to her/his heartbeat 3 times last night after all this. She/he is in there still ticking away, healthy and happy I know it. What is wrong with me?!
13 Weeks
1/3/12:
Wow, did I just write a 12 at the end of that date?! Crazy! I haven't updated in awhile because we have just been so busy on our break from school, but I am trying to catch up.
Here's what we, and the lemon, have been up to. Every morning we wake up and listen to the lemon's heartbeat and for a couple of days I think I was finding my own instead of hers (did I mention we started calling the lemon a her?). So, I left it up to Ian to find and he is magical at finding baby, he just feels around with his finger, lightly, for a second on my tummy and then puts the doppler on it and voila - there she is! It's amazing and something I look forward to doing every day with him.
I have been feeling really good lately, haven't had to nap and have had energy to help with home improvements during our break. It is kind of fun to have the time off when I started to feel like myself again, that way we can work together and get things done!
I am back to only peeing once a night now but I do wake up around 3-4am and just lay there, must be the hormones. I am not sweating or anything weird, I just wake up sporadically. I kind of miss the progesterone that totally knocked me out, but I'm sure this is just the beginning of a weird sleeping schedule that I will have, as a mom, for the rest of my life.
I am also over 13 weeks today so I'm practicing not laying on my back as much while I sleep. I didn't sleep on my back much before, but it was a stopping point between rolling over to my other side. It's pretty tough and you roll around a lot trying to get comfortable, and it's a quick roll now from one side to the other - it is definitely going to take some getting used to.
I have been really bad about updating about the lemon because I'm just not sure when to go public with this. I will be 14 weeks on Saturday, the official end of the first trimester, but we don't have our next appointment until January 16th. But, nothing will really happen at this appointment, just a doppler listen again (which we do every morning ourselves), so why wait? Do I post this today? Or wait? I don't know, it's just so scary to tell the world wide web!
So, feeling great, lots of energy, lots of peeing but lots to do around here. Maybe going public soon, who knows?!
12 Weeks
12/24/11:
My mom told her brothers and sisters, my aunts and uncles, tonight about the lemon. We will be seeing them tomorrow for Christmas ravioli dinner so I'm excited to get hugs and congrats.
She wondered why we didn't want to tell them ourselves (since I just saw everyone this morning at nails) and I don't know why, I just didn't want to be there. The second time around the hugs and congrats are fun, but still kind of sad and nerve-wracking. It's like you still are hanging on to the baby you lost and with each new hug it just reminds you a bit, not in a bad way, but you feel sort of guilty, like we already did this. It's hard to explain and only moms who have lost will understand. I just would rather have the after-hugs then the during-hugs, I don't know why exactly.
I got a new doppler today and plan on trying to find baby tomorrow. They say that it takes awhile and to not get upset if you can't find the heartbeat, they are machines that are supposed to be left up to professionals. But, I'm crossing my fingers!
12/25/11:
(Excuse the below the pants shot, but that's where you gotta look! Also excuse the no makeup and my super weird face. The doppler reading is wrong, it was 160 when I first found it but of course when we turned on the video it dropped down and then fluctuates up and down. It does that every time we look, maybe because baby moves and it can't get a read, but the sound is right on!)
11 Weeks
12/19/11:
Yes, we told Ian's parents last night, and his sister Kelly who came shopping with us. My mom even met us at the same restaurant we told her at (Picazzo's - yum!) and was there when we shared the news.
They were so happy for us, their eyes just lit up and we got lots of hugs. Ian's mom said she kind of knew too but didn't want to say anything until we did. I met her later in the bathroom and told her that I just didn't want to disappoint them again, and she said that we could never disappoint them. She said it's like her sister said to her, "Ian and Allison can do anything, and this was just something they couldn't do, it was disheartening for them, they weren't used to that." Patty is so matter-of-fact and that's what I love about her, she put it all into perspective, all I had been thinking, in just a simple sentence. I love her and am so happy she understands, she always understands.
No more secrets, our immediate families know. Now, to tell everyone else and you readers - when?!
12/20/11:
We met our OB today for the first time. She was really nice, and actually reminded me a lot of my friend June - really smart, really quick and really matter-of-fact. I liked her.
We didn't get an ultrasound like we thought, not sure why I thought that, but we did get to listen to our baby on the doppler, and it was AWESOME! She said everything was fine and that she'd see us again in 4 weeks for a check up.
It was really fast and she seemed like we should have had more questions for her, but we didn't, so we just kind of talked about things way out in the future like where we were going to deliver and so on. She did talk about my weight, which we heard she was notorious for, and said I gained 7 pounds in 11 weeks. She also said that whatever you gain by 20 weeks, you triple it, and at the rate I'm going I could end up gaining 45 pounds total. I told her that I am deathly afraid of throwing up (and haven't yet) so I eat whenever I feel nauseous. She said that's fine but that maybe it's time I start working out again - yoga and walking. I agree with her, sadly.
I can stop taking my progesterone and baby aspirin now so that's good, but I'm scared I will wake up in the middle of the night now, or get those dreaded night sweats again like I had with the blueberry. I guess my body makes it's own progesterone now so I don't need to supplement it. Weird.
She also added that if we haven't told anyone yet, this is the time we can start telling people. That's a relief because my mom is driving me nuts about telling her sisters and brothers. It's both scary and exciting to tell the world, am I ready yet
10 Weeks
12/10/11:
I told my other best girlfriends today at our 2nd Annual Christmas Cookie Party. Telling people is scary, like your jinxing something, but also not telling them sucks too, like you are hiding something from the people you love. I always feel like there's something unsaid going on, and there is, when I'm around people I want to tell and can't yet - it is an awful feeling and I'm anxious the whole time. I have actually avoided these two girls for weeks because I was so scared to see them and not tell them, or see them and them notice that I'm pregnant.
And it's so silly too, because if something happened, you'd tell these people about it, so why not tell them you're pregnant? My girlfriends were there with me through it all last time, and I knew they would be again, so why wait to tell them something like "I was pregnant and I lost the baby" when I could just tell them now "I'm pregnant!" (I know it sounds so morbid but this is how your brain works once you've experienced a loss.) They are like sisters to me so I'm not sure why I waited so long to say something, but I did. It was nice keeping it in for awhile, just for Ian and I, but then I saw them and I HAD to say something, I just had to.
Jenny has been trying to get pregnant for awhile now and I was nervous about telling her the most. I didn't want her to be upset, and these last two months I've been anxiously waiting for that text saying "I'm pregnant" so we could be pregnant together! But, it hasn't happened yet (it's not her time yet) so I told her. She was so happy for me, and so was her sister, Christie cried her eyes out (she was the one there with me in the hospital last time). I also told our friend June who cried too, everyone was so happy for me, for us.
You don't think about how a miscarriage affects those you love, you always concentrate on how it affects you, it's hard to do otherwise. But, when Ian's mom found out that we lost the blueberry, she said it was the saddest day of her life. And Christine's dad told her the other day that when her sister lost her baby at 24 weeks, it made him lose faith a bit. And my friends, with tears in their eyes, looking at me - it affected them too. I am so lucky to have such loving, sensitive and caring people in my life - they were worried about me for so long, they care so much.
We haven't told Ian's family yet, although tonight my sister-in-law, Ashley, made a funny comment like she already knew. Ian wants to tell his parents so badly but I still have this feeling like I let them down last time and I don't want to do it again. I still feel like I failed them, for some reason, and it's why I have separated myself a bit from everyone. It's my own thing, I know it isn't true, but it's how I feel and I can't help it. I want them to be proud of me, proud of us, and I know they are no matter what, I just don't want to let them down again.
12/11/11:
Tonight we watched the movie "The Help." No one warned us about the miscarriage scene or the scene after where the girl planted a rose bush for every baby she lost, and it showed about 4 rose bushes in her backyard while she planted a new one.
I looked over at Ian and he was crying, still so affected by everything we've been through this last year. It sticks with you, you hang on to it, even though you are feeling better. It never goes away - this loss.
We are so happy, so excited about our future, about the lemon. But the loss of blueberry is still with us, every day. You truly never forget.
12/15/11:
Feeling oh so dizzy these last two days. I read that it's totally normal, just your increased blood flow, and that you should eat more frequently, drink water and rest. Hard to do with the end of the semester fast approaching at school!
I bought a home doppler on ebay last friday (pay day!) and was so excited to get it and try it out. My blog friend Julia recommended the Hi Bebe brand but I got the Sonoline B one, a cheaper version but also one that was supposed to be good. It arrived yesterday and I was so happy because I wanted to try it out before our next appointment on Monday (11 weeks, 2 days!) but the stupid thing was broken! I searched and searched all over the internet on how to troubleshoot it and fix what was wrong, but no one had apparently had the same problem. It just had three dashes across the front that flashed and flashed, no little heart symbol, no mode number, nothing. It is supposed to do a test right when you turn it on and then go into operating mode, but it never did. It just flashed and flashed. I even put it up to my neck to see if it just needed to read something, but nope, it didn't do anything. Ugh. I contacted the ebay seller and haven't heard back, I hope they can tell me how to fix it our send me a new one!
I'm nervous about Monday. It has only been almost 2 weeks since we last went to the OB and everything was fine, but this is the big one. The appointment where I hope to see an 11 week old baby, moving and jumping around. This is the one where we meet our actual OB for the first time, a new one we've never met (since I switched doctors), and she will use a doppler to let us hear the heartbeat. I'm SO excited.
We are going shopping with Ian's parents on Sunday, just the two of us and them. We want to tell them then, since no one else will be around, and then we can share the good news from our OB visit on Monday with our families - everyone we love. I'm nervous about telling them but I know that this lemon is healthy and happy, and that there's nothing to be nervous about. It's my own issues, I just gotta get over it!
9 Weeks
12/5/11:
Our second visit to the OB was today and I was in freak out mode ALL DAY LONG. Our ultrasound was at 3:30pm and so from about 12 on my heart was racing and I was driving myself nuts. Walking up to the building you have to climb stairs and I thought I was either going to pee my pants or throw up, at one point I even told Ian that I couldn't do it and didn't want to go.
But, we went and everything was fine. We got in right away so I didn't have time to go crazy some more in the waiting room, and saw our little peanut shaped lemon on the screen. I cried again, so did Ian, and the all-business tech wasn't so bad this time, much nicer. She took some measurements and some pics and then sent us on our way.
Oh, and we heard that lovely lemony heartbeat again - music to my ears. So, 9 weeks 2 days - we made it!
12/6/11:
One of Ian's new students wanted to say hi to me so he sent her up with a fake "letter" that she had to deliver to me ASAP. It was really cute and wasn't anything important, but made my day.
8 Weeks
11/26/11:
I told my dad tonight at dinner that I was pregnant. He was happy, although he reacted the way I thought he would, with just a bit of emotion, but I could tell. Dad's and daughter's relationships are tough and sometimes I feel as though we are still working on ours.
He told me that I shouldn't expect him to be like a normal "grandpa" and I told him that I bet when he sees that baby, his mind will change. He also told me that he may be giving up his place here in Arizona and moving to Oregon full time. It made me sad, neither of my parents have ever lived away from me, and it made me even sadder thinking the baby will be here and he will miss so much of his/her life. More on this to come I suppose.
11/28/11:
Tonight we had another guest instructor for yoga from a place called Urban Yoga. Thank goodness I wrote to them at the beginning of the year thinking my yoga students needed different teachers, aside from just me, because little did I know I wouldn't want to be doing yoga while pregnant! I had no idea it would work out so well but I am so thankful for Mollie last week and Dana this week - and the kids loved them both! Napping on the floor of my classroom has become pretty commonplace now, especially on yoga days. And, I took a mat from our PE room that is more squishy than mine, and have a pillow and blanket stashed in my room, so it's pretty comfy. I just wish I had a loveseat to nap on - wouldn't that be great?
(My view while laying on the floor of my classroom.)
I am also thankful for my friend Elise, another teacher at school. If it weren't for her I wouldn't be able to get through yoga days where I don't have a guest teacher. I told the kids I hurt my back and so now I just say the poses and Elise models them, she has been a total life-saver! Thank you friend!
12/1/11:
December means the end of the first trimester. December means we get to see our baby again in 5 days. December means telling all of our family. December means a big belly. December means Christmas and winter break and family and fun. December will be an amazing month for us, I can't wait.
12/2/11:
Wow, crazy pregnant dreams the last two nights. It is unbelievable how vivid they are. I also get up to pee twice a night now, ugh.
7 Weeks
11/25/11:
We told my mom tonight after heading out to dinner with her. She said she knew but didn't want to ask and was so excited for us. She cried and hugged us and then we talked about some baby stuff, although I still feel weird making plans and talking about the future. I'm so relieved to have told my mom, she is my best friend and it was hard to keep the secret from her!
6 Weeks
11/14/11:
I couldn't sleep last night, I've had this day in my head for two weeks, ever since I found out about the lemon. Today was the day we were going to see our 6 week old baby and I was beyond excited, and a little nervous too.
But, as I've learned over this last year, things don't always go as planned. Ian and I were set to leave school at 12:30 to head to the OB at 1:15 for an ultrasound and appointment when I checked my phone at 12:15, after teaching my 4 classes in a row, and there was a message from them. There was no ultrasound tech in the office today so they had to reschedule my appointment. I'm sorry, can't the doctors do the ultrasound? Don't they know how excited I was? The next afternoon appointment they had was on the 28th, but by that time I'd be over 8 weeks and there WAS a reason I was coming in early. Ugh.
They called me twice last week to confirm my appointment today, 2 automated calls (for some reason) AND the OB called me to tell me she'd see me today. Then, they cancel? I barely slept last night because I was so worried and wanted to just SEE this baby! To ask about progesterone which I thought I was supposed to start RIGHT when I got pregnant (but was told to wait until my appointment to ask about it). They should KNOW their patients, they should KNOW that I can't wait any longer to see this lemon and that I was SO looking forward to it just to make sure he/she is doing good. Ugh, I hate doctors. I wish I knew of a good midwife (can't ask anyone because it's still a secret) that would come to our house and let me see the baby whenever I want, wouldn't that be nice?
I have to be patient and have faith that everything is ok. That's it and apparently I still have some patience to learn because I got MAD today. I was in tears and called the nurse practitioner so upset and I hope they call back so I can tell them just how mad I am.
Calm down, breathe. I made another appointment for Thursday (THAT'S THREE DAYS AWAY!) and now have to take the whole day off to go in at 10am. Today, Ian and I had already arranged for just afternoon subs, it's so frustrating. What are my students going to do without me? I had planned on being here - so annoying. Oh well, Thursday it is and a whole day off (when I'm supposed to be saving these days for actual baby time!).
I was going to post a photo here and tell you a story about how I told my mom today but I guess that will just have to wait. Patience, Allison, patience.
Later that day, I realized why I was so upset. It was like not being able to see the baby meant that there was no baby and it was like I lost a baby all over again. Once I snapped back to reality (I'm pregnant and definitely overreacted) I was happy because I knew I was still pregnant and would see our baby eventually.
The nurse practitioner called me later that afternoon to apologize and I told her she was lucky I didn't talk to her sooner or I would have been crying and yelling. I knew that by the tech calling in sick she probably ruined a lot of people's plans to see their babies and take off work, so I wasn't the only one. And, if she was sick, she was sick, and we couldn't change that. I calmed down and, instead, got excited for Thursday.
11/16/11:
I had yoga last night at school and was dead tired before it started. I even took 2 mini naps at school but they didn't help. Ian came up to say goodbye, because I stay at school until 5:30 on yoga nights, and rubbed my shoulders and talked to me about how I didn't want to stay and do yoga. Just as he was leaving my classroom, he sang a little song he made up on the spot to my belly. It was short, only a couple of lines, but it was really cute and as he sang it he shook my belly and talked to the lemon.
Later, just when I was heading off the yoga room, I got a message from him. In his text were more lyrics to the song that he had written, before he left school. I cried. Not just cried, but cried out loud, sobbed. It was so touching and made me so happy, and I am so pregnant so that probably added to my happy crying.
Here is the song he sent me so you know why I loved it so much (make up your own tune to sing it to, I will always have his in my head from now on).
You're gonna get a little belly
that's gonna be like dirt
that's gonna grow a seed
that's gonna be a person.
We're gonna have a little person
that's gonna look like you
that's gonna look like me
that's gonna live in our house.
We're gonna take that little person
and teach it all about the pretty things we see
then we'll send it off to college.
We're gonna buy a little beach house
with flowers in the front
and an ocean in the back
so our person can come visit.
We're gonna hold eachother's hand
and look back at this time
when things feel so unsure
then we will hug our person's person.
Even as I type this, I have tears streaming down my face. I love him, he is my everything, and I am oh so happy at this moment.
11/17/11:
Going to the doctor today was nerve wracking. It was a relaxing morning, and nice sleeping in, but I could hardly sleep because I was so nervous/excited. We got to the doctor at 10am and had to wait for awhile before getting called back for the ultrasound.
A really snotty, all business, sort of girl, dressed in regular clothes took us back into a really nice, but super medical looking ultrasound room. The lights were dim and there was a video screen where I could see it hung high on the wall. I laid on the table and was prepared to have to put on a gown but she said she could just try to do a stomach ultrasound since my bladder was full. She turned on the screen I could see and I told her I didn't want it on, that last time I saw a baby on the ultrasound screen it wasn't moving, but she said, "positive thoughts" in a really non emotional way.
Now I understand she does this all day long (and was probably the one that called in sick!), and has to deliver bad news to people sometimes, but I was not in the mood for her snappy attitude. She didn't expect to see anything strange but she HAD to understand that we kind of did, going through what we went through last time. Doctors just can't treat all patients the same, as well as techs/nurses, so it just frustrates me when they act like they don't care. I get it but I don't like it, as the patient.
So, there was the screen, here was my belly with gel on it and here Ian and I were, waiting to see something, anything. I reached out and grabbed his hand, he held it tight. And all of a sudden, there was the lemon, just hanging on there, a little tiny spot on the screen. I asked her why he/she wasn't moving and she said because it was only 4mm big, not big enough to be moving around yet. She found the heartbeat for us and played it, and it was music to our ears. She also found the heartbeat on the screen and showed it to us, flickering, and it was lovely. I laid there crying and she said, "hold still," and I looked over at Ian who had tears in his eyes too. It was an amazing moment, in that dark room, with that biatch of a tech. It was wonderful.
Of course she gave us the, "it's only a 3% chance of miscarriage once you see a heartbeat" speech which I don't know if I believe because our blueberry had a heartbeat too at 8 weeks. But, we are staying positive and hoping for the best, that's really all you can do. If you dwell on the scary thoughts and sadness it will consume you - and that's not good for us, our families or the lemon. We have to be happy, we WERE happy at that moment. It was the nicest moment and as I laid there holding Ian's hand I felt so happy and so lucky to have this chance again.
In the waiting room, again, waiting for the doctor I cried. I wanted to run outside, scream "I'm pregnant!" at the top of my lungs and call everyone I knew to tell them. I was SO relieved and excited, it just seemed like too much for me, too much for me to hold in just sitting there. But, there I sat and held it in, I was so happy inside and just relished in it. I thought of all the women who may have come out with not so happy news, and I felt for them at that moment because I can relate. I was so happy that our news was the good kind this time.
We saw the doctor, asked her a million silly questions (they get sillier after you've lost a baby, trust me) and I put on a paper gown and got an exam. Then, blood work and then a meeting with the insurance person who told me not to change jobs because I had great medical insurance.
It was a good day, and we were so happy but exhausted from worry that we went home and took a nap. And I made the whole bed hot because I'm cooking a lemon. :)
5 Weeks
11/7/11:
Here we are, 5 weeks today. This weekend was crazy, my body felt WAY different than it did the first time. Rather than compare the two (because we all know you can't compare blueberries to lemons) I will just tell you how I'm feeling right now. I am practicing staying positive and not dwelling on the past.
I am really tired and crampy. It feels like menstrual cramps but it is just my uterus adjusting for a lemon (at least that's what I read online). My boobs (sorry readers, but that's what they are) are super sore, and I can barely move my arms without them hurting. I actually told Ian that I thought I had breast cancer earlier in the month, before I found out I was pregnant, that's how much they hurt. I wake up in the middle of the night to pee and it feels like I am having to pee all the time. I'm trying to drink lots of water and eat more (more protein) but it's hard because all I feel like doing is laying on the couch.
I can't wait until next Monday when we go in for the ultrasound. I am really nervous about it and my stomach gets all twisty when I think of it, but I know it will be ok. I spent the day with my mom on Saturday and it was so hard not to tell her. I just want to wait until after next week, after we see the baby. It's tough keeping it a secret, it feels as though you aren't really pregnant because you aren't shouting it from the rooftops. It's hard to connect, to feel like it's real. Both Ian and I have said that multiple times.
I told my best friend this weekend, I had to tell someone. She smokes and I had to tell her because I didn't want to sit in our usual spots (mine across from her) and have the smoke blow right at me, and so I did. She cried and hugged me - it was awesome. She said she's been waiting and hoping and was so happy, it made it all seem real and fun to me too. After losing a baby it's hard to get as excited as you used to be, but I am, I just think it is on the inside now instead of the outside. But after telling Christine, I got to show it on the outside for a bit and it was so lovely.
I will have to tell my friend Elise at school too. I know that this isn't in the correct order, and that I should be telling my mom and my other two besties first, but Elise helps me teach yoga to the kids and I need to tell her what's going on. I don't want to do all the poses (frankly, I don't really want to do it at all), so I will need her help in doing them for me to model for the kids. I think I will have to tell the kids I hurt my back or something because they are so used to me doing it right along with them. And, I'm tired! I do NOT want to stay after school until 6pm tomorrow to do yoga, I just don't. This is going to be tough.
Ian and I are so happy and feel so lucky. I am doing my best to not work out, eat more and drink lots of water to keep this lemon healthy. I know he/she is though because he/she is sucking all of my energy out of me!
4 Weeks
11/2/11:
Today, after trying for 5 months (and not really trying for the past month), I took a pregnancy test and low and behold I was pregnant again! I had to look at those two little lines on that test strip three times before it sunk in because this is something we've wanted for a very long time (as you all know). It has been a long, sad, and trying journey but here we are again - a little more experienced and a little more cautious, but excited none-the-less!
How do I feel about it? I am nervous but hopeful. I truly believe that my Nani went to Heaven, met our Blueberry and said, "What are you doing here? You should be down on Earth with them, not up here with me. Get down there!" And she sent his/her little spirit back to Earth to be with us, this time as a teeny, tiny lemon. And THIS time, I know my Nani will be watching over all three of us, keeping us safe, happy and healthy.
Ian is excited but nervous too. But, we are feeling much better than we thought we would at this moment. I think that physically and mentally I was not ready before, Ian either, but now we are. I am not stressed or anxious, I am just letting things be and know in my heart (and have faith) that we are meant for this. I feel it in my bones, I am meant to be a mother and we are meant to have a family.
I made an appointment with the OB for us to go in for a 6 week ultrasound. She said we could come in early this time, and come every two weeks if we wanted, so that's what we are going to do. I can't wait to see our little lemon!
