25 Weeks

This week was a rough one, we were so busy and it’s hard to do a lot on not very much sleep.  I am actually starting to “feel” pregnant – my legs get tired, standing is tough for a long time, laying on my back is uncomfortable, I am sore just from doing the slightest repeated movements, I’m out of breath, I’m scatterbrained and it’s hard to remember things, I feel disorganized and I wake up and start worrying about all kinds of things and can’t go back to sleep.  Acid reflux has also been a killer this past week, it seems like everything I eat (even peanut butter!) gives it to me – yuck.

But, the craziest pregnancy thing DID happen to me this week.  I was sitting at my podium, teaching the kiddos, when I felt a kick up by my ribs.  I was kind of hunched over (I sit in a high chair) and it was just the slightest, but repeated, tapping feeling.  I thought, "Oh my gosh, she has the hiccups!" and just assumed that is what it was because it went on for about 10 minutes.  Then, as I sat there a bit longer, I felt a galloping, like a heartbeat in the same spot.  What I'm thinking is that her little chest was pressed up against the inside of mine and I was feeling her HEARTBEAT from the inside.  Is this weird to anyone?  Has this ever happened to anyone before?  It was the strangest but the coolest thing!

And last night, when we were trying to find her little chest on the doppler (Ian said he misses finding her heartbeat every night now that I feel her moving around so much), Ian held the doppler wand on a part of my stomach and I could feel the beat from the inside, as he was pressing, against the doppler wand.  So, I'm thinking that was her heartbeat I felt earlier - and it was THE COOLEST.

I went back to yoga this week after taking two weeks off because I was sick and then were out of town.  Two of the ladies who were due that day or that weekend last time, were not there of course, and there were some new ladies.  It was a joy again talking and getting to know everyone, and one of the ladies even said that all of things she is learning at her lamase classes at the hospital she already knew, because of this yoga class.  I plan to go every week and hope that's me at my classes, super knowledgeable and calm - we'll see!

I did have an issue with yoga this week and it is totally my own issue.  We went into a down dog pose, raised one leg and bent it behind us, totally twisting to one side and looking under the opposite arm.  First of all, all my prenatal DVDs do not include this and everyone says twists are a "no no" when pregnant, and also I was scared because this looked like a pose I used to do all the time in regular yoga!  I did it, did not go to my limit and got nervous when the teacher said we were going to do it again with a partner, opening up even more and twisting.  So, I raised my hand and asked, "How do we know that we haven't gone to far?  I used to do this pose all the time and can go to the limit, but how do I know when to stop so that it's safe for baby?"  Everyone in the class looked at me like I was crazy and the teacher replied that I can do the full pose, even pregnant.  What?!

So, let me tell you my issue.  I have said many times before that if it weren't for losing our blueberry I would totally be this lady:

But, since I lost a baby and was doing all kinds of crazy yoga the first time around, pregnant, I am not this lady today.  And, even though I have moved on and am in a great place, I still think it is unfair sometimes.  Yep, it totally is.  People who have not lost babies dont' have this fear that I have, like maybe I shouldn't be running, bending down, lifting that, etc. because I did all of my normal stuff last time and look what happened.  I am fully aware that there was no specific reason why we lost the blueberry (and know that more than 80% of the time it's all how the chromosomes come together) but it's hard not to think sometimes that part of it was because I was still doing yoga like crazy and running on the treadmill.  I know, I know there are women who do marathons pregnant and the lady above who can do a handstand pregnant - but I guess it just wasn't in the cards for me.

Having to "hold back" because of my own fear at yoga is frustrating and disappointing.  I get disappointed in myself like I should just go for it and then I get frustrated because I can do it but don't want to hurt the baby.  Then I'm mad at myself because I know it's safe and that she's ok so why am I sitting here half assing this when I could just do it and be fit and pregnant?!  But then the fear takes over again and I say why do that, who cares as long as baby is healthy it doesn't matter if you are fit.  Fit will come again.  This is my inner struggle and it was what I thought about every day I sat on the couch during my 1st trimester and skipped yoga and our treadmill got dusty.  Three weeks ago I showed up at this prenatal yoga class after not going to yoga since October - that's how long I was without my favorite thing and how long I felt like some part of me was missing.  Returning to this class, at my studio, has helped but then I realized I had this fear and got sad about it.

I called Ian after class and we talked about how we are still so mad that this happened to us.  Life is good and we are moving forward and I don't dwell on the events of the past, I have truly moved on, but sometimes I remember and just get plain old mad about it.  I wanted to be that super cute pregnant person that was in great shape and just had a belly but instead I am this winded, tired legs pregnant person who has trouble sleeping lately probably from lack of exercise!  Don't get me wrong, I do things, but don't walk as much as I should and don't do the prenatal DVDs as much as I should at home.  It sucks because I like feeling good, feeling healthy and working out, but my own fear gets in the way. 

I tried to overcome my fear that night, I tried to do the full pose but found myself still backing out, wanting to protect my lemon.  This may just be me for the rest of this pregnancy, and that's ok too.  I just have to get over the person I wanted to be or thought I would be and start focusing instead on the person I am.  I spoke with the teacher after class and she said the same thing, it's my body and mind telling me to be careful and that's totally ok.  I think so too.

This weekend was full of shopping and painting. Every day I went shopping, thinking it was only going to be for a couple of hours, got home hours later and painted the trim and shelving in the lemon's room (yes, we have a name, no you don't get to know it yet).  On Saturday I met my mom, after a great night's sleep (rare these days) and we went to Babies R Us and Buy Buy Baby (and out to lunch of course!).  The Babies R Us we went to was in really bad shape, even though it was in a nice part of town, and I was totally unimpressed with the cribs, dressers and bedding - it was all not so cute.  So, after lunch, we headed to Buy Buy Baby (the Bed, Bath and Beyond of baby land) and it was better!  Everything was so cute I wished that I had put that on my invitations (as my registry place) instead of Target but it was too late, they were already printed.  They had everything you could imagine and everything was laid out so nicely, I loved it. 

We left with a few things, mostly sheets, blankets and closet organizers and I headed home around 5 to paint.  I had so much fun that day with my mom and love it when we can spend a whole day together, no matter what we do.  Ian and I painted until 7 and then got hungry and laid around the rest of the night.  This is when I decided that standing for a long time is not as easy as it used to be - my legs were so sore and tired that night!  (It was also probably getting up and down from the step ladder while painting.)  My mom was busy this weekend too addressing and stuffing all of the shower invites, building little popcorn boxes for the shower and washing all of our baby clothes.  She worked really hard, and I always appreciate all she does for us!

Sunday, Christine and I headed to Target to register for my shower (since the invites are going out this week).  I decided to have a Wish List on Amazon because you can add things from anywhere on the internet, and to do Target because it was simple and there's one close to everyone (and it's online too).  I am not too fancy and did Target for our wedding too instead of Crate and Barrel (or anything like that), I guess it's just my choice registry place!  I was nervous because the day before I got a bit overwhelmed (almost cried) and didn't want to feel like that again.  We stopped by our friend June's house, got a swing that she's giving me and said hi to her cute little girl, Phoenix, and then made our way to the store.  It took us about 3 hours (and 3 pee breaks) but we got it all done.  There were a few things I had to look up online and add, but they had most everything we'd need.  Christine has a 5 year old so she kept having to write her lover, Jeremy, to ask him things like "how many bottles did we use" and "did we have a dishwasher caddy" but I think she remembered things pretty well.  She even taught me how to open and close a big travel system stroller, which was impressive - I love when she's in "mom mode!"

Christie texted me right as we were leaving and said that she and Jenny were heading to where we were to go to a street fair.  Yay!  So we met them and all had lunch at Barros, a pizza place here that I heard had gluten free crust.  I talked about it almost the whole time we were at Target so they let me go there, even though Jenny is vegan, and I got a whole pizza to myself, it was delicious!  We sat and chatted, I love those girls, and then I headed home around 3:30.  Got home, painted and the night went kind of like the night before with me on the couch with tired legs not wanting to move.

The weekend FLEW by and again I didn't get to take my weekly pic on Sunday so it had to wait until today - I am so behind on these each week!  The baby room is consuming us, I just want the paint and floors to be done so I can start organizing and decorating!  We should be all set for flooring this upcoming weekend and I can’t wait to see it all together – baseboards and all.  The color is really pretty, it has grown on me and it is totally the perfect shade, and now the fun part can start.  I’ve been looking online for curtains and bedding and I’ve come to the conclusion that I think I need to order fabric and then get some custom curtains, rocking chair pads and bedding made.  I don’t sew, and neither does my mom, but a couple of good friends in Oregon would help, but I don’t want it to be a lot of work for someone so I just pay someone on Etsy to make the stuff for me and send them the fabric.  I ordered about 15 swatches from here today and I’m hoping some will match so I can start planning it all out.

I also have narrowed down my crib choices to two different ones but still haven't found a dresser I like.  Maybe I need to buy the dresser first and then match the crib to it, that might work.  My mom and are are going to Ikea on Thursday night (4 day weekend ahead for us!) to look and get the flooring.  The Babyletto Hudson (first pic) and the Babyletto Mercer.  I don't need a lot of storage since we will have a gigantic Ikea Expedit bookcase in there and a dresser, so the drawer isn't a deciding factor for me.  Both are non-toxic, environmentally friendly, 3 in 1 convertible cribs.  With the first I could have a skirt that hangs down, I think, and with the second I wouldn't because I'm not a big fan of the skirt covering the drawer.  Which do you like better?

And I finally got to put together something in the baby's room - the closet!  Half of her closet will be dedicated to our winter clothes and half to her clothes.  I found out I have room for another polka dot box on top and a single hanging shelf on the side, gotta go pick those up so it can be done!  The pink and aqua look so cute together and it looks so fresh with the white, I'm super happy with the colors.  Now, curtains for closet doors or actual doors?  So many decisions!