Dear Lemon

This is my first letter to our baby girl, Lemon.  I could never write anything to her when I was pregnant because I was so afraid of something happening to her.  I was scared to write down all of my feelings, in fear that I may never hold my baby in my arms and would have to read what I wrote later, like with our blueberry.  So, here are the words I have for now, they aren't very good ones but it's hard to put into words just how happy I am.  So these will have to do.  

I can't believe you are 3 weeks old this week.  I never believed parents when they said "time flies" but it really, truly does.  Although it seems like I've known you a lot longer than 3 weeks, and that you've been around longer than that.  I am starting to forget our lives without you, and I couldn't imagine you not being here with us.

Yesterday, after I fed you, you leaned your head back and looked at me, your eyes actually focused on my face and you smiled when I talked to you.  That was the first moment I think I felt that you knew who I was, that I was your mommy.  It was a magical moment and I write it here to never forget it.  Daddy came up behind you and your eyes went to his face, recognizing him, really seeing him too.  It was amazing, the coolest thing that has ever happened to me, to both of us.

Even though you haven't grown out of your newborn clothes yet you are getting bigger.  We went out to the reservation today to set you up out there and they weighed you and you weighed almost 8 pounds 5 ounces.  It is such an accomplishment for you, and for me, because I know that I helped you get to that weight, just by feeding you from me.  We have overcome a lot with breastfeeding and I felt like yesterday we turned a corner, something clicked and we got it, together.  It is still so strange, that I am your only food source (eating and drinking) but I am loving and enjoying that time we have together more and more.  It takes me back to when you were in my belly, it's something we share, just the two of us, like when our hearts beat together.

Why don't I talk to you, sing to you or read to you more?  I thought I would when you were here but it's hard for me.  Every time I start a song or a page in a book, tears run down my cheeks and I can't finish.  I am just so incredibly happy to have you here, the emotions overwhelm me.  I love you so much, never thought I could love something so much (and never knew what that meant when moms said that before), and never thought you'd actually be here in my arms.  It was a long road for me and your daddy, full of ups and downs, but here we all are - together.  It was hard to imagine you here, in our house with us, and I still am so surprised sometimes that you are here.  It is truly a miracle and I have no words to describe the happiness I feel at this moment.  I can't bring a song to my lips or a story to your ears without thinking about how lucky and grateful I am to have you.  

I still think of how so many don't have a baby like we do, how so many want what we have and how so many are still struggling.  I also think of what it would be like to lose you and that kills me.  I thought that once you were here it would finally all sink in, you would be ours forever and I would imagine a future with you - walking on the beach next summer for your birth day, collecting shells and waking up looking at the ocean together.  But it's still so hard to imagine because I am still in shock that you are here and that you are staying, and I think it comes from me losing the you that came before, the you that never was.  I am not any less afraid of you being taken away from us, I think I am actually more afraid now that you are here.  I feel as if at any moment all of this magic will wear off and you will be gone, like somehow I don't deserve you or you aren't real.  That's how much I love you.

You have blond hair that is wavy when it gets wet.  You make funny grunting, scratchy noises all the time, especially when you are sleeping in the co-sleeper next to me.  You make funny faces while pooping and on Saturday you even peed on me during your newborn photo shoot.  You have perfect skin, not rashy or flaky and you have beautiful big eyes and chubby cheeks that I just want to bite.  Your lips are to die for and your little hands and feet are long and slender like your mommy's.  You like to smile and laugh at your daddy, mostly when he tickles you with his nose, and your favorite thing to do is have mommy pick you up because then you know it's time to eat.  You come at my boobs like a baby bird, not really knowing where to go but forceful none-the-less and your cry is the cutest thing I've ever heard, with a little breath in between each wail.  You like lounging around the house in just a t-shirt and your cloth diaper and don't mind bows on your head when we go out (although you hate when we put clothes over your head!).  You are figuring out day and night and like to be up from 7:30-10:30am now instead of from 9:30-12am at night.  You are such a strong girl, already pushing with your legs on pillow when I'm feeding you and holding your head up on your own.  You love when your Nani rocks you and talks to you and you mostly sleep when people come over to hold you during the day.  You are a good baby, hardly ever cry and only tell us when you're upset if you're wet/dirty or are hungry.  You sleep a lot and sometimes I hate waking you up to eat because you looks so peaceful.  You love sleeping in your bouncer and don't really sleep well in your co-sleeper because you don't like laying flat on your back.  You'd prefer to be on my chest, napping, or to lay next to us, but then it's hard for us to get any sleep with all of your silly noises.  You sleep with your mouth wide open, just like mommy, and sometimes when I wake you up it is dry like you haven't closed it for hours all night.  Just a couple of days ago you learned how to project your spit-up and that has been interesting, you like to do it mostly after daddy has finished changing you and is up walking around, so it goes all over him and the floor.  Last night you spit up twice, two really big ones, and scared mommy but the doctor today said you are ok (and I think it may be your fast drinking skills!).  Last night I dreamt of you for the very first time, as a toddler with long, blond, curly hair; and it was the best thing I've ever dreamt in my life.  I can't wait to watch you grow and learn more and more every day.

You are truly the best thing that I've ever done in my life and the best thing that has ever happened to me and your daddy.  You make me want to be a good mommy and you have taught me so much about myself already.  I never thought I would be able to function on such broken sleep but I can, and I do it because you are here and you need me.  Your daddy watches you when we first go to bed, and when he gets up before me in the mornings, and he loves this time with you.  You have the best daddy, he sings Iron Maiden and Judas Priest to you at the top of his lungs, he does deep throat singing with you on his chest to calm you down, plays the guitar for you, he changes you every time you need it and he cuddles you every chance he gets.  He goes back to work next week and I will miss him being around, he is my best friend and also, along with you, and the love of my life.  Babies change mommies and daddies - I am more in love with him now than I ever was before, a different kind of love.

As I type this you sit behind me in the bouncer, your favorite, and start to cry.  I sometimes hate to stop you because it is too cute but I know you are sad so I send daddy to your rescue.  (And just recently have you started to cry real tears!)  I am off to feed you after he changes you, and enjoy some more girl time with you.  

I am sorry I am not a better mommy to you and will work on the singing and reading to you more.  I just have tears of joy even thinking about it, but will try to be better.  I know you will love it, but don't you see - it's because I love you that I can't do it.  Tears just get in the way all the time; I am just so lucky to have you.  The luckiest.

Love, 

Mommy