Dear Lemon

As I sit here at my desk at work, I think of you and miss you terribly.  You and your daddy just finished swimming lessons and it is the first week I'm not there with you.  Today is even harder for me than yesterday, my first day back, and I think it's because you were awake when I had to leave you this morning.  Seeing your smiling face thinking that both your mommy and daddy were going to be home with you all day just broke my heart.

Today is very special to me because it was today, a year ago, that we found out that in July we would be able to hold you in our arms.  I wrote these words after seeing that positive line on that pregnancy test:

How do I feel about [this]?  I am nervous but hopeful.  I truly believe that my Nani [who had recently passed away] went to Heaven, met our Blueberry and said, "What are you doing here?  You should be down on Earth with them, not up here with me.  Get down there!"  And she sent [your] little spirit back to Earth to be with us, this time as a teeny, tiny lemon.  And THIS time, I know my Nani will be watching over all three of us, keeping us safe, happy and healthy.

Ian is excited but nervous too.  But, we are feeling much better than we thought we would at this moment.  I think that physically and mentally I was not ready before, Ian either, but now we are.  I am not stressed or anxious, I am just letting things be and know in my heart (and have faith) that we are meant for this.  I feel it in my bones, I am meant to be a mother and we are meant to have a family.

I can't wait to see our little lemon!

It seems like just yesterday I stared at that stick, not believing that after so many months of trying, you were there, growing inside of me.  You are such a blessing to us and we had had such a hard year, you came to us just when we needed you most.  You were a little ray of sunshine for us - hope.

This journey has been tough at times but oh so rewarding.  I can't imagine my life without you.  I never knew what being a mommy was like until now, I only thought I knew.  You are the light of my life and leaving you every morning knowing that I am heading off to work while you are at home with daddy kills me (and hearing how you tried to nurse on him the first morning just shattered my heart to pieces).  I wish I could be at home with you all the time, but I have to go and be this mama right now and in a couple of weeks we will both be off again and will be home for two weeks together, as a family.  Thank goodness for being teachers!

I am so jealous of your daddy, just like I'm sure he was jealous of me when I was home, and it's hard letting go, letting him do things his way.  It has been just you and I for four months and we had a system going, it's tough switching gears and becoming the parent that misses out on things.  So many of my online friends, your aunts (Christie, Jenny and Christine), and my mom have sent me their love this week and I have needed it.  Working seems so temporary, not something I will be doing all the way until May, until you are almost a year old.  It kills me at times but it is the hat I have to wear right now I suppose.

I love you my little girl, more than words can express.  I wish I was home with you, cuddling you and kissing you, but that's daddy's job now.  He loves you so much and needs this time with you too, it's just so hard for me.

What a difference a year makes little lemon.  You have brought so much joy to our lives.  A year ago today I couldn't imagine you in my arms but here you are, it is truly amazing.  Life is just the coolest sometimes. 

I love you.

Love, 

Mommy