Connections

Here's what I was doing on January 2, 2011:

Lately I've been overwhelmed with emotion.  I don't know if it is Lemon turning 9 months, yesterday, our 4 year anniversary being tomorrow or lack of sleep (always) - but lately I feel on the verge of tears.

This blog started as a space for me to track my first pregnancy, a place to post pictures for family and friends and somewhere for me to come back to, when my blueberry was older, and relive the moments when she was in my tummy and we were waiting for her arrival.  I planned on writing to her, writing about her and posting pictures, chronicling her life.  But, after we lost our blueberry (see my Pregnancy Loss tab) I wanted to delete this blog, thinking that I would never be a mother, not wanting to look back on any of my pictures/posts and actually not wanting to read or see anything about babies for a long time - because it was just too sad.  I told Ian that I didn't want to continue writing and that I had nothing to say anymore.  I was angry and afraid, never thinking I would ever be where I am now.  It was truly the saddest time in my life and I struggled every morning to even get out of bed.  Have you ever been in that place?

I know that many women have lost babies and I know that some of had multiple pregnancy losses.  I also know that women have lost babies during birth, just after birth and when they were still just newborns; for a number of reasons, and I don't pretend like my experience matches theirs, at all.  But, I do know loss and heartache and for that reason, I kept writing.  Ian told me that maybe I could use this blog to help others and that I should write my story hoping that one day it would find someone that needed it.  So I did, even though at times it was hard and scary to open up so much.

But, it has helped people.  So many women have written me about similar experiences and these emails/comments/posts bring me to tears.  I have written about this before and the only thing I can say is that reading about someone else's loss brings you back to that place of your loss and you feel all of those emotions again, you empathize and can relate on a level no one else really understands (unless they've experienced this too).  Ian even wrote a post here, about the day we found out blueberry was gone, and his plan was to write more so that daddies would have a place to go and find support and comfort, knowing they aren't alone.  We sometimes forget that they suffer too.  (He, however, takes forever to write something because it has to be perfect, so his post is an only and he hasn't posted anything since.) 

There is strength in numbers and when I wrote about helping a friend, asking to help another mom going through a second loss, I was floored at how many gave to someone they didn't know and how much money we raised for her.  It is incredible what the internet can do and I amazed at how many wonderful people I have met because of this blog and because of Instagram. 

I try to live in the moment, cherish every day and be thankful for the little Lemon I have.  But, some days as a mom are really tough (remember the pantry scene in Sex and the City 2?) and it helps to have fellow mamas playing this role right along with me.  I have met so many other mothers, on Instagram also totally confused as first time moms, and we lean on each other whenever we have a rough night/day or have questions.  These women have helped me in more ways than I can express, women I have never even met, and I am so thankful for them.  The day I can take a trip across the country (and even to Australia, England and Japan - you know who you are!) to meet these women, will be the most amazing time, to see the babies I've watched grow up and the women who have been there, learning and growing with me on this crazy journey of motherhood.  Is this a trip that would be possible?  Can we just all plan a year to meet somewhere and make it happen?  I would just die to be able to hug these women in real life.

So here I sit, almost in tears, writing this post.  The amount of gratitude I have towards all of the people I've met (some whom I've never actually met) is beyond words.  So many times a phrase comes out of my mouth that someone has written me, on Instagram, or an email comes to me from someone else either going through a loss or recovering from one, or I post a picture of Lemon and find 3 other mamas who have babies that share her birthday - and it is truly amazing.  I am so thankful for technology and for this incredible world we live in, how awesome is it that we can find such wonderful connections with people we have never even met?!

I have laughed and cried right along with all of you, and I try to read and respond to all of your emails and comments.  I have enjoyed seeing your babies grow up, just as much as I enjoy posting pictures and posts about my own, and I have loved reading all of the blogs that I've found through Instagram as well.  It truly does makes raising a baby that much easier, knowing we are all in this together, just trying to figure it out one day at a time.  And it makes every loss and pitfull that much easier too, knowing that we all have been there at one time or another, in one way or another.  We are all connected.

Recently, I was featured on two blogs where I posted two posts about that time in my life, the time I had no hope.  I wanted to share these with you, to bring attention to these blogs and to reflect on a different time in my life.  Sometimes we get so busy and just forget, or I guess not notice, how far we've come and the feelings/experiences we used to have.  Sharing these posts with these other mamas made me remember, and made me even more thankful for my little Lemon and this blessed life as her mama.

On Randi's Beautifully Bohemian Blog I was recognized as an Inspirational Mama and on Kayla's Letters to Luken I posted the first letter that I wrote to Lemon (under Letters & Legacies and Parents New to Parenthood).  I also want to share Shawna's blog, Motherland Rants, where she wrote about my blog in a beautiful post about "counting your blessings" and Bethany from Air Force Wife Life who wrote a post highlighting one of mine that gave her words to describe her loss when she wasn't yet ready to write her own.  I also recently discovered a new blog, White Signs of Grief, where Lindsey hopes to share your "white signs," a picture of you saying what you will miss out on because of your loss.  These posts, as well as countless comments and emails, are the reason I continued to write this blog.  Sharing my experience has helped others and in sharing it, helped me heal too.

So this blog isn't just about giveaways or a ridiculous amount of pictures and videos of Lemon (although those are my favorite!) but it is also about loss, grief, healing and coming out the other side.  There is hope, for all of us, even in our darkest hours.  I survived and so will you.  Thank you for finding me, reading and sharing; I appreciate every single one of you more than you'll ever know.