Dear Lemon

Last week, as I was feeding you, I realized that my nursing days are probably numbered since you are now 10 months old.  My milk supply has dropped (stupid period I blame you!) and instead of pumping 10+ ounces at school I only pump about 6, not covering the two bottles you need while you are away from me every day.  We have had to supplement with formula a few days (no biggie because you've had some at night for awhile now) and I only have about 6 bags of frozen milk left.  But, in just two and a half short weeks, I will be home with you all day, my little darling, so we just have to make it until then.  Summer, summer, I can't wait until you're here.

Leaving you every day has gotten harder and harder, especially since you know when you are being dropped off at Melissa's and cry when your daddy leaves.  It's funny because when we are around, at nights and on the weekends, you act like you could care less that we are there, just independently playing and not wanting to be picked up or cuddled, but when we are away - you miss us.  It is so sweet and yet heartbreaking.  I can't wait to have over 2 months off with you. 

There are so many things you are doing that I don't want to forget and wish I had made a list, as part of this blog, from the beginning.  I am sure I have forgotten so many things already and am sad that I never wrote them down, gone from my memory forever.  Right now I am loving these:

The way you squeeze my boob with your hand while nursing, like you are so happy it's there and the way you play with my other nipple while you are attached to one.  I also love the way you gently caress me or smack me with your free hand, too funny.  If you bite me, it has only happened about 4 times, and I say "no," I love that you look up at me, trying to understand, then give me the lip and let out a little whine.

You are learning the word no and you are testing us.  Daddy likes to scare you into not doing something (like come up behind you with a firm "no" if you have your hand on the dog food bowl) and when you are told no you always raise your arms and plop both your hands down at once on your legs, while you are sitting, and let out a cry (and we get the lip again).  Then, you test your limits, putting one hand or a finger on the dog food (or daddy's sunglasses) and seeing if we notice.

I love the way you drink your juice, like it's a boob, with your little chin and jaw working overtime to suck it all down.  I love your little pinchy fingers and how you grab your food, holding it oh so carefully and then finally putting it in your mouth.  You used to pinch it, then work it into your hand and then put it in your mouth but your fingers have gotten stronger.  I also love how you shovel all of your food in, like you can't get enough, finishing your lunch or dinner, but by choosing every piece every so carefully with those two little fingers.

I noticed last night that your hands are turning from baby hands into little kid hands and it made me sad.  You are getting taller, leaner and looking more and more like a real kid every day, especially with all of that hair.  Those curls in the back and above your ears kill me, and that hair on top can have a clip now too - where did it all come from?

I love that when we get you out of bed in the morning you are always dancing and happy to see us, moving up and down, standing, in your crib.  I love that when we pick you up, from there or from playing somewhere, you let out a little squeal, like you are so happy to be moved to somewhere else, or to be taken somewhere.  You hate being carried around though, and would rather crawl or stand up on something by yourself.  You have started moving along furniture, holding on with just one hand, and switching from one piece of furniture to another, practicing for when you finally walk on your own.

Your laugh just kills me and it's kind of like a breathing in sort of laugh.  You laugh with your whole body and you love being thrown up in the air by mommy, that always makes you giggle, or when I poke at you or tickle under your neck.  Daddy always bring a smile to your face and that smile just lights up a room, especially with those two little bottom teeth half poking out now.  You are such a happy girl and you never cry during the day, only at night, maybe it's something about the dark.  

You are so busy and can plan with the same thing over and over again, never getting bored of it.  Your favorite is still smacking two things together - blocks, maracas, balls, etc - and you still aren't that into stuffed animals.  You love books lately, especially ones that make noise, and love it when I read the same pop up books over and over to you before naps.  

You put yourself to sleep and back to sleep, on your own for naps, but have needed some help at night lately.  You are going through a very clingy, mommy phase and only want me; crying if we pick you up from somewhere and I don't hold you first or crying when I leave the room at night or when your daddy comes in to sooth you instead of me.  You looked up at me the other day, after daddy handed you to me after your bath, and clear as day you said "mama."  You've said it before but this time it was only that one word and directed right at me, melting my heart.

I love sharing my afternoon snack with you (cottage cheese and fruit) and like that you either try to say or sign "more."  You try to repeat us when we tilt our heads, clap our hands (your favorite) or dance to music.  And sometimes you stare at me, during dinner from your high chair, and I look into those steely blue eyes of yours, and feel as though you understand me and that I am looking right at myself, through your eyes.  It is the most amazing thing and that's when I realize you have it all figured out, your words and motor skills just aren't allowing you to express it all just yet.  Sometimes I can't wait to see what you'll be like as a toddler, a 5 year old or even a 7 year old; but mostly I want you to stay a baby forever.  

I thought I was never good with you as a baby, never knowing what to do and feeling like I was always a step behind, but now that you aren't a baby anymore I miss those days.  (Not the newborn days, no, but the 5-8 month days).  You are growing up too fast.  Just yesterday I told your daddy that I finally get why people want to do this all over again, have another baby - it goes by too fast and you are too in the moment, and sleep deprived, to enjoy it.  If I were to do it again, I would remember to enjoy every second because already I've forgotten so much.

You love the water and are definitely your mommy's daughter - being in the sun and in the pool is your favorite.  Last week at swimming, and yesterday in Christine's pool, you wouldn't just sit on the edge, you'd just dive in, face first, once we let go of you.  And you did it with the biggest smile on your face, like you couldn't wait to jump into that water, it was the cutest thing.  I have never seen a baby do that before, and you were so fearless and happy, it was awesome.  You love baths too and your favorite thing lately is standing up in your tub, grabbing on to the faucets in the shower.

I know there will be a time where daddy is your favorite but right now I am enjoying my time.  After daddy changes you in the morning you crawl down the hall to find me and when I walk in the room you have the biggest smile on your face.  In the middle of the night you only want me for comfort and when we pick you up after school you want me to hold you.  You are mommy's girl right now and I am loving every minute of it.

Stop growing up my little Lemon, you have always been a baby to me and I am not ready for you to be a big girl yet.  I love you with all of my heart and I can't wait to be home with you every day.