Dear Lemon

You are growing up so fast, I wish I could pause time and hold you in my arms forever.  I was just thinking the other day how it has been a month since you've fallen asleep nursing and I'm afraid you won't ever do it again.  Is that how this whole thing goes?  A bunch of firsts that turn into "every days" and then just fade away, seeming like a distant memory - like they didn't happen at all?

You went to bed late last night and so when you woke up this morning at 6 I knew you were still sleepy.  I changed you and then laid with you in the recliner in your room, nursing you and hoping that you'd fall back to sleep.  And, you actually just laid there.  You nursed and laid sprawled across me and were still, something that you never are anymore.  It was such a perfect moment and I wanted to stay there forever, calling into work and staying home just because my baby needed to nurse and lay on me today.

But, I had to get up and go.  When I put you in your crib you cried, just like you do every morning when I leave, and I left the room thinking that if only it was tomorrow I could have laid with you all morning.  That may have been the very last time you would fall asleep nursing, and I had to leave you.  What a difference a day makes.  

Seeing you grow up, getting taller and leaner, and walking off all of that baby fat means that these moments go by even faster.  Every time you do something that you did when you were smaller I think, "Will this be the last time?" and it kills me.  I understand that I could have another baby and live it all over again but I will never get these moments back with YOU.  It all goes by  too fast and I wish I could just press pause for a second, one second, to look into your deep blue eyes, smell your blonde curls and kiss those chubby cheeks and thighs . . . before they are gone.

Do I have a big kid now?  Maybe.  I am loving every minute of you growing up and with each passing day I appreciate my role as your mom more and more.  But, I hardly get a chance to be in the moment because it just flies past.  The second I say, "Wow, where did she learn that?" you go and do something else, something new, and I forget to write it down, and I am afraid that ultimately I will forget forever.  I have a horrible memory and I fear that if I don't write it all here it will be gone, like none of it ever even happened.

Espen, your aunt Christine's son, turned 7 yesterday and I was there three days after he was born.  When I think of in how short a time he went from a newborn to a 7 year old, it makes me shudder.  In that same amount of time, as your daddy brought up yesterday, he will be 14 and that is crazy!  And to think, I will blink and you'll be 7 and then 14 and then what?!  Ugh, I miss you, little baby, just thinking about it.

I am trying to stay in the moment, my little Lemon, I am; but I have to go to work, go to the grocery store and run errands - it's all a part of life.  I wish I could just stay home and snuggle you all day long (even though you would hate it), or watch you walk back and forth through the house.  But, I can't and so the time moves even faster.

I love you my baby girl, even if you aren't technically a baby anymore (even though I think you still look like one!).  You stop everyone, everywhere you go with your cuteness, smile and personality - I just don't want it ever to end.  Big kids are just kids but babies are everything, please never grow up.

Love,

Your mama (who is trying to live in the moment but failing miserably)

Update:  I finished this post yesterday, before putting the baby to bed.  And sure enough, she fell asleep nursing and I loved every minute of it.  :)